my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
