was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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