Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
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