she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
