Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
