i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
