Only a mothe r could love this liver
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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