I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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