just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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