Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize