it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
