Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
