I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
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