i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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