I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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