i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
