Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
