our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
