thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
