Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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