I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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