Yo dont text me then not text me
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
