I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Alive.
So much puke
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
