I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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