im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
