Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
