I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
