I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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