Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
