woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
She needs sedatives and a leash
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
