And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
