I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
