that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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