I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
if i can run in heels then i can drive
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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