i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
