why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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