In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
