I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
