Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
sarcasm needs its own font
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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