I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
