i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
