I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
