My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
