my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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