my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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