i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
ttyl tear gas
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
