while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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