I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
