you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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