Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
