Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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