the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
someone threw a dead crab at me
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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