Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
