And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
