I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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