Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
