You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
