Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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